7 candidates for the UK’s next commissioner

pCloud Premium

From the people who brought you “there’s no way we are taking part in the European Parliament election” comes “there’s no way we are nominating a member of the European Commission.”

The EU has told the U.K. that it can have a Brexit delay, but in return London must nominate a member of the European Commission. Boris Johnson has long said that’s not happening, but Johnson is to telling the truth what Donald Trump is to putting on a tie properly. So here are some incredibly unsuitable suggestions for the U.K.’s next man/woman in Brussels that would help Johnson get the EU onside while providing maximum annoyance.

* * *

John Bercow

Who? Shy, retiring, impartial speaker of the House of Commons and international celebrity.

Pros: “Order! Order! Mrs. von der Leyeeeeeeeeeeeeeen” will get laughs in week 1. By week 3, the other commissioners will be tearing their hair out.

Cons: Likes the EU a bit too much, or so it says on his car bumper sticker.

Suitable portfolio: Library management.

* * *

Arron Banks

Who? Businessman, leftie-baiter and Leave campaign benefactor. For those who think Nigel Farage is too diplomatic.

Pros: Hates the EU so wouldn’t turn up, thus preventing unanimity around the Commission table.

Cons: Might accidentally bridge the gap between the EU and Russia.

Suitable portfolio: International partnerships (well, with Putin and Trump).

* * *

David Cameron

Who? The man whose fault this all is. Lately, author and shed enthusiast.

Pros: Even less popular in Europe than Johnson.

Cons: Would promote his book at every meeting.

Suitable portfolio: Foresight. (Which is actually a real job. Well, as real as any job in Brussels.)

* * *

Prince Andrew

Who? Queen Elizabeth II’s least useful son (in the face of stiff competition).

Pros: Would get him out of the country.

Cons: Can’t be left alone.

Suitable portfolio: Law and order.

* * *

Meghan Markle

Who? American actress getting mixed reviews for her role as princess in long-running soap opera “Britain.”

Pros: Would quickly shed the pesky royal press pack. You start talking about the Multiannual Financial Framework and no one’s going to be interested in what you have to say, no matter who you are.

Cons: Husband has dressed in a Nazi uniform. Might not be great for building trust in future trade talks.

Suitable portfolio: Media relations.

* * *

Stanley Johnson

Who? Prime minister’s dad and fellow grinning buffoon.

Pros: Looks like his eldest son, so would be a constant reminder of the horrors of Brexit.

Cons: Actually has experience of working for the EU, so might come in useful.

Suitable portfolio: Family planning.

* * *

Jennifer Arcuri

Who? Tech adviser.

Pros: Will put up a pole-dancing pole in the Commission’s press room.

Cons: Not British (but she does know a man who can fix that). Extensive experience of international trade negotiations.

Suitable portfolio: Protecting Boris Johnson’s way of life.

pCloud Premium

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.