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Amazon Prime Day’s Weirdest Deals

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    9 PM last night, Amazon Prime Day commenced. The online retailer’s annual celebration of insanely low prices gives us the opportunity to save fat stacks of cash on lots of cool stuff. But – and let’s be honest with each other here – Amazon also sells a lot of totally bizarre crap. I combed through hundreds of pages of Prime Day deals to unearth the deep discounts on products that nobody should ever buy.

    But who knows? Maybe you just won the lottery, and you want to buy one of every Prime Day offer? Or maybe you really need one of the oddball Prime Day deals that follow. We’re not going to judge you. Or at least not here on the web page where everybody can see it. Read on for our picks for Amazon Prime Day’s weirdest deals.

    Triple Watch Winder

    Triple Watch Winder

    How many people do you know who still wear a watch? Not very many now that we have a beautiful little computer in our pocket that can tell time as well as make phone calls and play video games. Now, how many people do you know who own three watches? And need to buy a special device the size of a midgrade stereo for the sole purpose of winding them? Our first bizarre Prime Day deal is on the WOLF 456302 Viceroy Collection Module 2.7 Triple Watch Winder, which typically retails for a staggering $1,150. Ridiculous!

    Gentlemen's Mustache Wax

    Gentlemen’s Premium Mustache Wax

    Is your regular mustache wax just not doing the job of making you look like an old-timey villain who just got done tying a damsel to the railroad tracks? Fear not, buddy, because Prime Day has a deep discount deal on Premium mustache wax. The Gentlemen’s Premium product offers a “strong all-day hold without stiffness or greasiness” in case you’ve been plagued by a stiff, greasy stache in the past. The product description entreats you to “Look More Like A Gentleman And Less Like A Vagrant.”

    Fruit Fly Lure

    Fruit Fly Lure

    If there’s one thing I say to myself on a daily basis, it’s “Boy, I really wish I had more fruit flies around!” Thankfully, Amazon has a Prime Day deal on Eco Defense’s 16-ounce bottle of fruit fly lure, scientifically formulated to attract the pests to whatever location you choose. What you do with them when they get there is up to you. Insects are high in protein after all, and when the global warming apocalypse hits we’re going to have to take what we can get.

    Pro Agility Ladder

    GHB Pro Agility Ladder

    So what’s the primary function of a ladder? If you answered “climbing,” you’re right. But what if there was a ladder… you couldn’t climb? Meet the GHB Pro Agility Ladder, which is a ladder that you lay on the ground and run through to improve your foot placement. The product description includes the selling point “Great tool for weight loss as it can TORCH CALORIES bigtime.” You know what else can TORCH CALORIES bigtime? Climbing an actual ladder and washing your dirty windows, you slob.

    Washable Dog Belly Bands

    Washable Dog Belly Bands (3-Pack)

    Is there anything more humiliating to a dog than wearing a diaper? We can’t think of much, but if your pooch suffers from incontinence issues here’s a Prime Day deal that you can’t afford to miss. Not one, not two, but three washable dog diaper belly bands in a variety of colors for one low price. If you have sizing queries, let’s turn to Amazon’s Q&A for the product:

    Question: Anybody used them on a larger Dachshund?
    Answer: I use them on a Chinese Crested

    Well, that’s helpful.

    Luxe Bidet

    Luxe Bidet

    Sure, you could buy toilet paper on Prime Day like a plebe, but the new hotness is spraying water right up your butthole after you’ve finished pooping. Of course, there’s a Prime Day deal on an attachable bidet that attaches to any standard two-piece toilet. A retractable nozzle pokes out when the water is running to aim a jet stream of liquid right at your tender bung. A “discreet” control panel lets you adjust the water pressure in case you’re sensitive down there.

    Perky Jerky

    Perky Jerky Turkey Jerky

    Perky Jerky turkey jerky is jerky made from turkeys, and if it seems quirky to talk about it, you should know that in our duties we’re not shirky, or our future would be murky. How much dried out bird meat could you reasonably eat? This deal is for 26 ounces of the stuff packed in convenient 2.2-ounce bags. We know that ordering bulk food on Amazon is the hip thing to do now, but that’s a lot of jerky. The top-rated review says that it’s “Distinctly different in taste, yet consistently pleasant in texture,” which seems like a weird thing to say about meat.

    Praying Teddy Bear

    Praying Teddy Bear

    Prime Day’s toy deals are a hodgepodge of weird-ass stuff, but nothing stuck out quite as much as this GUND teddy bear caught in the position of supplication to its uncaring deity. Why exactly a stuffed animal would need to pray is anybody’s guess – perhaps it wants to turn into a real bar and eat some kids? You should buy this one and throw it across the room while screaming “Where is your God now, Teddy?” Or maybe don’t do that, because it’s weird. Your call.

    Nail Dryer

    36 Watt Nail Dryer

    This is one of those Prime Day deals that makes perfect sense for a niche group of people: those who own a nail salon but don’t have all the equipment? What other reason would a private citizen have for purchasing a UV nail dryer with sliding tray, timer setting, and UV resistant gloves? It’s not like this thing is good for anything else, and how often are you painting your own nails that you need to buy a dedicated drying device? Please help us out here.

    Mealtime Protector

    Waterproof Mealtime Protector

    Buddy, I hate to break this to you, but while “mealtime protector” sounds super badass, out here in the real world we call that thing a bib. And babies wear it. So no disrespect meant for people who can’t eat their hot wings without leaving a greasy mess all over their T-shirt but using a fancy euphemism won’t help. In the off chance that you do need an adult-sized bib, though, Prime Day has you covered. We’re not crazy about the paisley pattern, but a deal’s a deal.

    50 Rubber Ducks

    50 Rubber Ducks

    I can see going on Amazon and ordering a rubber duck. Sure. You want to make your bathtime lots of fun like Ernie from Sesame Street. I can even see ordering two rubber ducks, in case the first one gets lonely. That’s a perfectly normal thing for an adult man to do. But then there’s this, a load of a staggering fifty rubber ducks, and suddenly we’re in complete weirdo territory. Why on Earth would there be an Amazon Prime day deal on 50 plastic birds? Order them and tell us why. We’re begging you.

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